Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
You Might Also Like
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
Ladies, why y’all do this?
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
Yep.
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
[adds another nod to the conversation]
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.