Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
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THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
Perfect
I wish I were this cool 😂
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
mentally somewhere in italy
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord