Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
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[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE