Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
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A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t