If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
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Who.
Did.
This?
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.