Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
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My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
me irl
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.