Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
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Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
12653.
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.