Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
You Might Also Like
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”