I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
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it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
How do horror writers compete with current events?
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?