Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
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*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
Meow
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED