I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
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*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.