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[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
If a snake ate a cake
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”