I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
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MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
🚲+physics = winner
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
Seals are just dog mermaids.
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea