My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
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Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours