we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
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It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
#oldknees
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
lmaaaaaooooooooo
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab