I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
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Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?