a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
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Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
WHY would you be happy about this?
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
he’s doing your taxes
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
I am all good here, 😂😉
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom