me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
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My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
My new favorite headline
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.