[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
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“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
the only organized thing in my life is crime
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me