The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
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Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
What personal space?
My dog
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.