u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
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Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”