“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
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I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time