*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
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On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
Gross if literal…Liverpool
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy