“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
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When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one