No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
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Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
Some people were born into their job.
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order