I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
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The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
thank god the sign was there
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.