Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
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Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
My dream job is getting paid to dream
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
I love how pulling weeds is super fun in May and by August it’s like, I bet a flamethrower would pay for itself in like two years.
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!