Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
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Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best