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Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude