Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
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I don’t hate children, just yours.
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table