Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
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God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.