It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
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oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big