Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
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Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
is this how new cars are made??
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way