ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
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[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
wtf management?!
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.