How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
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No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom