Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
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At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*