My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
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I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying