interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
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Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
Never mess with a drunken pig.
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
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