me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
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This is no longer winter this is harassment
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)