I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
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A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days