[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
You Might Also Like
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
gentlemen, hear me out
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*