I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
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Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.