the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
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“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
(yawn)
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery