What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
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The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
Found my door mat
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge