Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
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Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.