*exercises sarcastically*
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Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.