I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
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This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them