Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
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Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.