It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
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Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
is frankincense just very honest incense?
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
This could’ve been an email.
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.