5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
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Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t